The L-Word

Before Jerry and I ever liked each other I would drop by his apartment every once in a while. This was because it was my brother's old apartment so I knew some of the guys (namely, Patrick). One day while I was there I happened to mention to the group of boys that, "I will never tell any boy I 'love' him until we are engaged." It was true. I felt so strongly about that word.. love. I didn't just want to toss it around!

Fast forward a couple months. Jerry and I had been dating for about a month. We spent every waking moment possible together. And when we were both at work we would IM each other constantly. So really the only time we spent apart was when we were sleeping. I really liked him. a lot. I was scared. I kept on remembering my creed/goal/standard to never say "I love you." And I wanted to break it sooo bad. But there was a fundamental problem. Jerry was present when I told that group of boys about my feelings about that love word. I had no idea if he was paying attention when it happened, or if he even remembered it. But in my mind I knew that if he remembered and I dropped the l-bomb on him, he would think that I wanted to get married.

We started saying stuff to each other like, "I just think you are really cool." But with all this meaning. It was juvenile. But, for me, it was what I had to do to get by without the l-word.

After a Saturday full of swimming and having fun, we went to Doc's pizza. In a college town full of cheap places to eat with sub-par food, this place takes the cake for the worst food. Of course, to Jerry it meant endless helpings of pizza, cinnamon buns, and rootbeer, so the quality of the food was not important. I was not very impressed, but accepted the fact that Jerry was indeed a bachelor and this place was good to him.

Although the food did not please me, the entertainment did. There were a few other tables of people there. And they were all filled with.. for lack of a better word.. white trash. We had lots of fun people-watching and commenting on odd behaviors. While laughing at one particularly funny observance I made, Jerry said, mid-laugh, "Oh, Danielle, I love you." His tone was very jovial and he said it in a way that you would say to any person you thought was funny.

But my mind raced. I stopped laughing and immediately snapped back, "What did you just say?" (I said it with extra emphasis on the t of 'what')

Jerry stopped laughing. He looked at me and gave me a smirk. "I love you."

My heart stopped. I thought I was going to throw-up. (It's hard to say whether it was from food poisoning or extreme shock) Without saying anything, I ran to the ladies' room.

I remember looking in the mirror. My cheeks were red from spending the whole day in the sun. I wasn't wearing any makeup. My hair was frizzy, wild, and smelled like chlorine. Did he really love me? Or was he just clarifying what he just said? Did he remember that day when I told about my feelings about the l-word? If he did, does that mean he wants to marry me? How many girls had he told this to before? It seemed so easy for him! Maybe it was just because he was simply clarifying what he said...

I splashed some water on my face and tried making my hair look half-way presentable. Whether he loved me or not, Jerry deserved at least not to be seen in public with a crazy girl.. even if it was only by people with less than 12 teeth..

I decided to play it cool when I went and sat back down with Jerry. As if nothing significant had just happened, because for all I knew, Jerry thought that nothing had.

We went back to our apartment complex where there was a group of people organizing a game of Fugitive. Jerry and I went into his apartment and told some friends to come get us when they were actually ready to play. We sat on the apartment couch. All of a sudden it hit me. I had to do it. I had to say it. I might burst if I didn't. I started shaking my legs slightly to get rid of some of the adrenaline that was suddenly pumping through my body. We just sat in silence. I felt like my lungs were being compressed, and that my heart was pumping out of my body. I was so nervous. I finally said, "I want to say something."

"Okay.." he said.

"Um... Jerry... Jeremiah, Iloveyou." And then I puffed out a big gush of air.

He gave a slight chuckle and said, "I love you, too." And then, "Is that why you've been shaking?"

"Yes! You tricked me into saying it! I was so nervous!"

"What? How did I trick you into saying that?"

"At the restaurant, you told me that you loved me! But I couldn't tell if you meant it or not. And I don't want you to think that we have to get married or anything. I just really like you, and I think it is really love, and I thought you deserved to know," I blurted out.

We were then interrupted by Craig opening the door to get us for the game. The game lasted for a while. It was a lot of fun. Jerry and I stuck together. We were both a little nervous about what just happened, but we didn't talk about it. Later that night when Jerry kissed me goodnight he added, "I love you."

I opened my apartment door. I must have looked terrible. My whole perception of what I thought love was was completely upside-down. I was confused. But I was also so happy. My roommate Audrey looked at me and said, "Is there something wrong? Did you and Jerry fight? You were both acting weird during Fugitive."

"No, actually, there is nothing wrong. In fact, it's the opposite. We told each other 'I love you.'"

I think Audrey tried to summon up some excitement for me. But I think she was mostly still weirded out. Every milestone in Jerry and mine's relationship never seemed to impress her. She now claims that she knew we were going to get married.

I have since found out that Jerry did remember me preaching about my philosophy on saying love. He claims that he was confident that he could break me of that. Also, he says that when he told me “I love you”(the second time) in Doc’s that he said it because he meant it, but he also said it out of jest because he knew that I didn’t want to say it. That little punk! I hate him.

Now we tell each other "I love you" at least a few dozen times every day. I think once our kids are old enough they are going to be so embarrassed with our frequent use of the phrase.