Just a little over an hour ago I had my audition for both the spring and fall operas(at BYU).
Usually after an audition I can remember every little puny thing I did wrong, or the expression on someone's face, or that my accompanist missed a note. Usually when I perform my senses are super heightened, and I can commit everything I see/do to memory.
Today? Well, that a whole 'nuther bucket of worms! I cannot remember a SINGLE thing that happened. Okay, that's not entirely true. But I only have shadows of memories. I remember that I made up words at one point, but I don't remember where or how long... or how bad I was at making up the German.
I wish it was just a fluke that this happened. But it wasn't. I think for the first time ever(or at least in recent memory) I was totally blinded by anger. Just a few minutes before my audition I was at work, and a lot of things happened that made me really upset. This isn't very out of the ordinary, but today I just let those things get to me. So before my audition I found a private place to pray that God would take away my anger and forgive me for being so angry. But by the end of my prayer my heart was still pounding unnaturally hard and my eyes were still blurry—I wasn't willing to stop being angry.
I am so glad that the Lord is so forgiving, and that He can help me to be more humble and forgiving. But I also know that the Lord cannot change our hearts unless we let him—and I wasn't letting Him.
I don't ever want to be angry like that again. I am glad I experienced that anger in such a memorable way so that I will be able to easily recall the situation and feelings so I can try to avoid them in the future.
So I probably didn't get the role which I was hoping for. But I did get a greater understanding of the Lord's hand in my life. And I learned that choosing to be angry is destructive.