Lincoln's Birth Story

 I chose to use a midwife for the second time because I loved my experience with Desmond. I love that they let you be in charge and will let you go much further over your due date than most OBGYN providers. (Long pregnancies run in the family... I mean my sister had to be induced 2 days before her due date to TWINs who were 7 and 8 pounds!) BUT! at the beginning of my third trimester I started to suffer from over-production of the pregnancy hormone relaxin. This was making my (already weird) hips to separate too much, too fast. It was painful. It affected everything.. sitting, standing, walking, laying. So when my due date started to loom close I was SOO done. I scheduled an induction for 1 week past my due date.

The morning before my scheduled induction I woke up, swung my legs to the side of the bed, put my feet on the ground, and stood up. I then tried to lift one foot up to take a step, and I simply could not. There was no tension in my hips, they were totally separated. I tried for about five minutes (and I super had to pee, haha) and then I just started sobbing. Jerry woke up and thought I was in labor.. I wish. He carried his 9 month pregnant whale wife to the toilet. I then had a complete melt down. How could I ever have a baby naturally if I couldn't even walk?!?

After a few hours of feeling reallllly sorry for myself, I decided I should probably let my midwives know, just in case. I knew there was nothing they could do, and I knew the baby was fine. I called in and they told me to go to the hospital triage immediately just to be sure baby was okay. My mom told me to bring my hospital stuff, just in case. I scoffed at her. There was no way I was having the baby. But I brought the stuff just in case. O, and I curled my hair and put on make-up, just in case, haha.

After a few hours of monitoring, it was confirmed that I was not in labor and that baby was healthy. But, it just so happened that it was a slow day, so the-powers-that-be decided to just keep me and induce me! Mom's always right. I was very surprised and so excited to get that baby out of me and have my legs back!

Around 2:30 pm I started my first round of gels. I felt some contractions, but they were very manageable. I progressed a cm! But my cervix was still super high, and still posterior. 5 pm started my second dose of gels. Didn't feel too much, didn't progress. 7:30 pm started my last round of gels. Felt a lot. progressed some. Baby came down a little and I was to 5 cm.

Around 10pm the midwives decided to break my water. My contractions became real immediately. My mom and Jerry would both hold my hands and I would just try to relax through my contractions but they KILLED. Like some sort of alien was burrowing through my body. I could feel baby descending each contraction with immense force. Like someone was dropping a bowling ball from 10 feet up and it was landing inside of me.

My contractions were random and irregular. I would get 3 in a row with about 20 seconds rest between and and then nothing for 4 minutes. It was so different from my first two birthing experiences, because even when I wasn't contracting I was still in significant pain and discomfort.

After a half-hour the midwife checked me and I was to a 7, but my cervix was still oddly high and still posterior, which seemed to concern the staff. 

I then started to have the urge to push. I told the midwives that I wanted to, to which they told me it wasn't time. But I seriously couldn't not push. I would just slightly push and that would help calm my body down.

After a few half-pushes, the baby started to be in distress. His heartbeat would go super low during contractions and wasn't recovering very well during rest periods either. With every contraction it got more and more dire. Within ten minutes I had about 10 nurses in my room, and, as much as they were trying to keep a calm demeanor, the hasty whispers and panicked faces told me this was not good. The nurses were trying to get me into new positions to help get oxygen to the baby, and being completely unable to move my legs made this impossible. Suddenly I had an oxygen mask on and nurses sternly telling me I need to MOVE. NOW. BABY NEEDS OXYGEN. And I couldn't move. It was the most stressful experience I have been in. I felt totally unable to assist my child, and was as the mercy of the hospital staff to do what I could not do myself for the wellbeing of my child. At this point my midwife calmly told me that the surgeon had just arrived at the hospital and my operation table was being prepped. Not what I wanted to hear.

The midwife checked my progress and told me, I needed to get this baby out. NOW. So with the next contraction I pushed as hard as I could. With the next, I started to push and was told to STOP! Which, when you are in full labor, is really really hard. Like having a bite of the most satisfying chocolate cake you've ever had and being told mid- swallow to throw up. When I would stop pushing my midwife was manipulating my (still posterior) cervix. Although I was almost fully dilated, it was still thick and folded around  some edges amd she was trying to rotate the cervix to the birthing position. I have no concept of how long this PUSH! (BECAUSE YOUR BABY IS ABOUT TO DIE) and STOP PUSHING! went on for, probably 5 minutes, but it felt like 45. I then delivered baby's head. If you have ever seen a birth you know that once the head is out the rest of the body just follows. But not Lincoln. Babies turn as they come out, but Lincoln was still straight on. His linebacker shoulders wanted to come out together, instead of one after another. So after more cervix manipulation and an impossibly hard and long push that almost made me black out, Lincoln was born.

They placed him on me. It was the biggest sense of relief. He was significantly purple so they thought he was low on oxygen, but it was just that his whole face was completely bruised from descending so quickly. My (amazing) midwife made some sort of comment about how that baby was too stubborn and dramatic. I felt immediately defensive and just so in love with this baby. He was here. Safe. And he was perfect. Although I was so happy to have my baby, my body and mind began to be in shock. I was shaking and bawling uncontrollably. I had just gone through a traumatic experience and I didn't know how to cope.

About 25 minutes post-delivery I still hadn't delivered my placenta. I tried nursing Lincoln to spark some contractions. I tried just pushing without a contraction. 35 minutes post-delivery my room was once again filled with nurses and doctors and they hurriedly whispered to each other trying to decide what the next step was. They told me that they were going to start an IV. Although I had no pain medication for delivery I was given no choice for whatever they were about to do next to deliver my placenta. Another ten minutes passed, my IV was in, and my midwife and a doctor were quietly consulting in the corner. I was filled with absolute fear. I said a desperate, silent prayer. I felt a small contraction start to approach. I pushed as hard as I could muster. I tiredly announced, "It's out."

After you deliver a baby the nurses push hard on your empty womb checking for hemorrhaging. My phenomenal nurse started pressing and I could tell it was clear that something was not right. She informed the midwife that she thought she felt blood clots and she was ready to remove them. She firmly felt around my stomach and then found a spot she liked and then basically punched me. A baseball-sized blood clot popped out and traveled two feet away, reaching my feet on the table. She did this 6 times. It was seriously freaky. And once again my room was filled with worried and busy hospital staff assessing my condition. They concluded I was in no immediate danger but that my blood levels needed to be closely monitored.

I will spare you the blow-by-blow details of the following 24 hours. But it was a miracle. My blood levels barely moved. I didn't have any damage or tearing. My bleeding was the expected amount. Despite a traumatic birth, Lincoln's sugar levels were great. He nursed very well. His bruising cleared up by the time we went home. And I WALKED from my hospital bed to my hospital bathroom.

I am so grateful I had the midwife I had at delivery. During prenatal care, she was my least favorite midwife of the group, but she was exactly who I needed. She was able to force my body to do what it was refusing to do. She was confident and encouraging. There was another midwife who was shadowing her and she seemed in awe of what my midwife was able to accomplish. I have a new-found sympathy and a speck of understanding of why unplanned c-sections are difficult experiences for so many women. Bringing a baby into this world is no joke, and when the experience involves any sort of emergency treatment, it is terrifying. It is a type of horror I will not soon forget, but it does make me hold my kids a little tighter.

Five Years!

So this blog over the past few years has really been boiled down to documenting only really important events, and this post is no different!
Five years ago I said, "yes," across an alter in the temple of the Lord to spend eternity with Jeremiah. I had only known him for eight months, but I had never been more sure of any decision in my life than to marry him. 

There was a huge snow storm the day we were married. It was beautiful.

We have been through the thick and the thin together, but I know even happier and harder times are ahead of us. I feel immensely grateful everyday that I get to experience this existence with Jerry by my side. We really have made a good team!

So here are ten pieces of marriage advice that I can give, now that I am an expert. Some of these things I have painfully learned, some of these are things we implemented from the beginning, all of these things Jerry is much better at than I. :)

How to stay happily married for (at least) 5 years

1. Humility

This is definitely number one.

Okay, so I wrote out a huge explanation of this, but I will leave it to this:
Ask to be forgiven right away

Don't harbor ill-feelings

Know that your spouse isn't trying to hurt you (not everything is about you!)

2. Forgiveness

3. Don't sweat the small stuff

For realsies. Sometimes Jerry will do something that drives me BONKERS. But I have made a policy for myself: If it is something that really is just a habit or personality trait that is not harming me, or essentially bad, then I don't say anything. I pray to not let it bother me. And nine times out of ten, the annoyance passes and it becomes something that I love about him. I have seen quite a few relationships where there was constant communication about what annoys you about the other person and constant compromise. I feel like that would just squash someone's spirit. To be told that the way they do things, or how they were raised, or their inherent personality is wrong , bad, annoying could crush a person. And I married Jerry as-is. Not as a placeholder for what I imagined him as.

4. Communication

This goes with #1. The most important thing about this is to communicate your wants and needs. Your spouse can't read your mind. Don't play games trying to get your spouse to fulfill your desires. Tell them. examples: "Hey, I know it doesn't look like it, but I have worked really hard today at trying to keep the house clean. Can you compliment me on my hard work?" or "I'm feeling grumpy. Can you pick me up a Dr. Pepper on the way home?" or "I'm stressed. I would really like it if you would help me cook, that would help me feel less stressed." (okay, all of those are real life examples from the past month, haha)

5. Make spirituality an integral part of your marriage.

Pray together. Read scriptures together. Talk about God together. Every day.

6. Never speak badly of one another.

7. Go to bed at the same time.

8. Make goals together. Achieve them together.

9. Have hobbies and activities you do together. Have your own hobbies and activities you do apart.

  

10. Be generous in compliments and sweet nothings :)

I'm sure there is more, but this is what is coming to mind this morning. 

I love you, Jerry. You have made me better. Thanks for making me laugh and letting me cry. Thanks for being patient and understanding. I never knew marriage could be this fun and fulfilling. I'm glad we have eternity together!

11. Marry a model.

Desmond's birth story

I woke up Tuesday morning feeling pretty miserable. I had spent a few hours the day before on the ground reupholstering chairs so my back was killing me. I also did not sleep very well for the first time in weeks. So I attributed my discomfort to those things. I texted Jerry and my mom, "fyi I am feeling a little crampy today. But it could totally not be labor." Then, of course, my mother called me all excited thinking I was about to push a baby out.
After a failed attempt to nap, I spent my afternoon at my parents' house helping my mom watch my niece and nephews. I went to bed feeling pretty decent. Although Jerry and I did stay up later than usual getting stuff done around the house.
I woke up a few minutes after 1 am from some weird dreams. I was dreaming that my stomach was filled with curtain rod ends and they were vibrating and really causing pain. After a few minutes of contemplating the reality of my dream, I realized that I was actually feeling bona fide contractions! I tried to go back to sleep because I thought I was probably still in early labor, and I was also quite tired. After about 10 minutes of laying in bed and having multiple painful contractions, I realized that I was in real labor. So I got up and called the midwives to let them know I would be coming in sometime that day. As I gathered a few things together for the hospital, I would have to stop during my contractions to really concentrate on relaxing. Actually, it was odd--I would feel my lungs sort of collapse and all the air would leave my body before I would start to feel the pain of a contraction. So then I would have to play catch-up with my breath. Once I noticed this pattern though, I was able to pay closer attention and be better prepared for each contraction.
I decided to take a shower to help me relax and pass the time. I came up with a little system to help me through each contraction. And I know this is going to sound weird, but it was actually a little fun! Between my contractions I would think of what I would do during the next contraction to test what helped me the best. In the end what helped the most was to sing through certain phrases from a Debussy song cycle, picturing my baby coming down with each contraction. As long as I started relaxing in time, this method really worked.  A lot of my contractions were pretty much pain free.
I finally got out of the shower and told Jerry I thought we were going to have to leave soon. So he got up and ate and got his hospital stuff ready and tried to call my parents to let them know.

Just before heading to the hospital. 40 w 5 d

My contractions really took a turn at this point. I called the midwives and Janice told me to come to the hospital. Before we left, Jerry gave me a priesthood blessing, and I felt really good about what I knew was about to come.
We dropped Liana off at my parents' and then started our 10-minute trip to the hospital. I had 4 or 5 contractions on the car ride, and as we were walking in the E.R. to check in, I did the math and realized my contractions were probably less than 2 minutes apart and I knew I was going to be pushing soon. While we were checking in I started to lose it during my contractions. In retrospect, I was about to transition. When we got to the triage, I really lost it during my contractions, and I was in full transition. Of course, I thought this in my head, but didn't tell anyone because I didn't want to sound demanding or be wrong. The nurse forcefully reminded me to breathe through my contractions, and I was able to get through better. Janice came in and checked me. I was 7 cm. Then they did a quick ultrasound to makes sure the baby was head down. Just as they were wheeling me to my labor room I started having some serious pain. I started to slightly push to see if that would ease the pain, and it did. When I got to the room I told the nurse that I wanted to push and she ran to get Janice.
Oh, I should probably mention that by the time I got to the triage room I couldn't look at anyone or anything, I was covering my face with my hands.I probably looked like I was terrified, but I was having serious over-stimulation and needed to block out the light.
Janice came in and I told her I wanted to push. She said I was at a 9. I am so grateful that I had a midwife that let me push before I was completely dilated or before my water broke. It would have been pure torture to have to wait. So on the first push my water broke which relieved a lot of pressure. No one had to tell me how to push or when to push. I just knew what to do.. which really was an incredible feeling. With each new contraction I would start to bear down and.. scream.. like really scream. Sometimes my scream was super crazy high, and some times it was a groggy grumbling scary painful scream, but both were very, very loud (I mean, I am an opera singer!). And I was so self aware at just how insane I sounded. I kept on apologizing to the staff because I was really quite embarrassed, and I felt terrible for any other laboring mothers on the floor who had no choice but to listen to me. But I couldn't not scream. It reminded me of going down the big steep water slide at Seven Peaks and getting to the bottom and all the friends I was with telling me that my scream echoed and was super loud. But I had tried really hard not to scream on the slide! It was involuntary.
Anyway, I was screaming and pushing and all the while covering my face, and I felt like my body was literally splitting in two. And I knew that I was going to have a human baby, but I kept on picturing that I probably was feeling a lot like the big alien in Independence Day who has a slightly less big alien rip out of it. In between the contractions I was deliriously happy and just so so excited knowing that I was going to see my son any minute.
After about 10 minutes in the labor room I heard Janice hastily say, "Dad, do you want to come catch the baby?" And then, "okay you better get down here now!!!" Then a little push later, I took my hands off my eyes, looked down, and saw Jerry holding our new, pink, crying son. I felt so intensely happy, but also I think I was in shock. I was expecting an experience so different from what had just happened that it did not seem real. I wanted to cry, but my adrenaline was still going strong and was not letting me. They placed Desmond on my stomach for ten or fifteen minutes, and then I delivered the placenta, Jerry cut the cord, and then Desmond nursed like a champ! Later Janice came back in to check me out and I thought for sure I was going to be a torn up mess (like the big alien), but I only had two very minor tears that didn't even bleed or need stitching. 

30 minutes after delivery. Happy!

For the first hour or so after delivering I still felt like crap in the nether-regions. And nursing Desmond gave me contractions again, which I knew would happen, but still really annoyed me. But overall his birth was amazing. It was thrilling. It was.. fun. I know that is crazy, but it was so satisfying in a totally unexpected way. It made me feel like yelling (in a ghetto-angry-way), "BOOM. Yeah! I BIRTHED that baby!" But I resorted to just a lot of, "O my gosh! I can't believe it!"s. 

Unlike after my first birthing experience I was able to walk and it didn't phase me at all, and I was able to pee without really having to concentrate. Also, I wasn't a hungry-hungry-hippo this time. Probably because I didn't have to go through 24 hours of fasting whilst contracting and pushing, like last time. But for-realzies, I wouldn't change a thing about Liana's birth. It was perfect in its own way. But if I could choose future birthing experiences, I would choose Desmond's any day.

Desmond Thomas Hale. 8 lbs 7 oz

Bringing Desmond home was a dream. I think I was mildly depressed for about a month leading up to his birth. I was absolutely terrified. I kept thinking, "What have I gotten myself into? This is going to be terrible!" I really was expecting the worst. I had myself convinced that it was going to be impossible, especially since Jerry was uber-busy at work and would be gone 10+ hours every day. But Liana loved Desmond (I can't say it is quite the same any more, but nothing I can't deal with, or laugh at) and he was, and is, the easiest and sweetest and handsomest baby I could ever imagine. I feel overwhelmed with love by the family I have been blessed with. If I think about it too long, it makes me literally sick to my stomach (I know that sounds backwards, but I'm sure other moms out there know what I am talking about.. right?).
I know this is the type of birth story that will annoy a lot of other moms, or at least it would have annoyed me before it happened, but it is true and real and mine!

10 days old. Photo: Cathi Cenatiempo

Photo: Cathi Cenatiempo

Saying Goodbye to Provo [food]

Provo has been really good to us. We met here. We started a family here. We have experienced life here for a combined 16 years!(!!!!)

I have to admit that when I first came here I thought the food scene was awful. (one of my first experiences: Costa Vida employee accidentally pouring dirty dishrag water into sauces.. and then using them!) And I think it generally was, but over the last few years Provo has really stepped it up!

Here are the establishments Jerry and I have really come to love. We have been splurging a little and have been going to each one to say goodbye.

(in no particular order)

1. DP Cheesesteaks

Wow. It's amazing. I don't know if I can come up with the words to tell you how amazing it is. If you like cheesesteak sandwiches at all, you will love these sandwiches. Our favorite ones are Mushroom Pepper steak and the Cherry Pepper steak. Adding mustard makes the experience even better.

It is located in the shopping strip with Jamba and Sub Zero. There is never a line! It takes about 3 minutes for them to make your sandwich. This is an ideal place to bring a baby (which is a huge plus for us)

2. Nicolitalia Pizzaria

By far the best pizza in town. At least a billion times better than Brick Oven, but I really don't think much of Brick Oven..

There is a really extensive menu, and we have only tried a few things, because after we found our favorites it's hard to  be adventuresome when perfection has been reached. The margarita pizza is superb. I love the sausage and peppers calzone and Jerry prefers the chicken parm calzone. The house salad dressing is really yummy. Our favorite part is the marinara sauce. It is special. Jerry thinks if we ask nice enough they will give us the recipe. Keep on dreaming, man.

Located by KFC and Pizza Pie Cafe. It is a walk-up and order place, which we like. Since the pizza is Boston style and the owner is from Boston, when they call our order they say, (in a Boston accent) "Jerry Rice!" My dad always wants to eat here when he visits, he says it is authentic Boston pizza(he lived there for a few years).

3. Black Sheep Cafe

The only "real" restaurant to make the list. We prefer non-traditional restaurants because a) no tip necessary and b)  it's easier with a rowdy baby. So, this one-of-a-kind restaurant has to be really good to make our top 5. That being said, we only go at lunch time.

According to its website, Black Sheep Cafe is "Contemporary Southwestern Native American Cuisine." We have had probably half of the menu, and it has all been good. But our favorites are all the sandwiches: pork is Jerry's fave and the Bleu burger is mine. (My brother Devin says that the Bleu burger is the best burger he has ever had) They come with a choice of sweet potato fries or Mexican street corn, we both prefer the fries WITH the chipotle lime dipping sauce, which you have to specifically ask for. The shrimp is good, the tacos are good, the frybread is awesome. I think my favorite part of going here is the unique flavors and combinations.

Located at 19 N. University Ave. The service is unreliable, but nice.

4. Braza Express

Jerry served his Mormon mission in Campinas, Brazil. In the 2 years he was there he developed a deep love for the native cuisine. He says that Braza Express is really authentic. Unlike fancier, pricier Brazillian restaurants, this one is more like the daily cuisine.

My favorite part is the rice and black beans and the fancy juices (cashew is so nummy).

Located at 180 N University Ave. Cafeteria-style ordering.

5. Cubby's

Another manly sandwich joint. But let me tell you...it might be my favorite on the list. Unfortunately, it seems to be everyone else's favorite too. Especially the hipsters. Unlike the other places in my top 5, this place is always packed, so try to go on a weekday, but even then it will probably be busy.

We've had probably half of the menu, and it is all phenomenal. I don't think it is possible to not have something absolutely life changing every time you go. No exaggeration. Jerry's favorite is the tri-tip sandwich. My favorite is the italian sausage, or italian beef, or the burger.. can't decide. And the salads are the best around. The rosemary sea-salt fries are yummy.. and I really want to try the buffalo fries, but I'm too cheap.

Next to Little Ceasers and Sonic. In walking distance from our house... yeah, it's awesome.



Honorable Mentions:
Red Line Deli (food is decent, but the best part is playing on the free arcade)
Pizza Pie Cafe (I love the salad bar and the cookie dough desert pizza.. and really, what beats all you can eat?)
Cafe Rio (last time we went we found an almost full punch card! score!)
La Dolce Vita
Diego's
Kneader's
Tucanos (but only when your parent's are paying)
J Dawgs
JCW's (we only really go for the shakes)


Wow, now I am hungry.

My Adventures in Breastfeeding

written in June, 2012

I feel like I need to put a super warning on this post. But I think the title should indicate to you whether you want to read this post or not. It's about babies and boobs, namely mine.

Whether or not I wanted to breastfeed was never a question to me. To me, breastfeeding just seemed like a natural thing that I would want and that would happen. I knew the typical challenges of breastfeeding before ever having a baby. Bad latch. Milk shortage. Inverted nipples. and the list goes on (and on).

When I arrived at the hospital to induce my labor, my first nurse asked whether she should mark me down for breastfeeding or not. I told her I wanted to nurse. She said that was a good decision, and that those first few moments with my baby would be precious and a good time to bond. I kind of felt like rolling my eyes and saying, "Girl, you're preaching to the choir. That is of course what I want."

14 hours later I had my precious new baby girl in my arms. The nurse helped me strip down so Liana and I could do skin-to-skin and nurse. After a few different positions, the nurse said Liana probably wasn't going to latch now and that I should just enjoy her instead of trying to nurse. I was a little deflated because I knew that that first feeding was so important. But I did want to enjoy my baby and didn't want my first memory of her to be frustration.

During the course of my hospital stay I had multiple nurses and lactation consultants try and help me to get Liana to nurse. But no luck. She loved the time close to me, but she would just fall asleep or just play. She didn't seem interested in eating at all. I pumped a tiny bit of colostrum and fed it to Liana with a syringe, so as to eliminate nipple confusion. My hospital stay was coming to an end, and I felt desperate to have Liana nurse just once before we left.

Over the next week I spent hours every day doing skin-to-skin with Liana and trying different holds. I started pumping and feeding her with a syringe. I spent hours crying and mourning the fact that my baby did not want me. She just seemed to refuse my body. It was something that I could never imagine before, and is so hard to describe. It was hard. I was so grateful to have a beautiful, healthy baby. I was so happy, but it wasn't what I imagined.

A week after Liana was born I went to another lactation consultant. Liana had lost one pound. The consultant informed me I was starving my baby. My stubbornness to not give Liana a bottle was just making the problem worse. Liana was so tired from having no food that she did not have the energy to nurse. No amount of different positions, supplemental tubes, or nipple shields was going to cox my baby into breastfeeding. I just needed to get some food in her. The consultant suggested I rent a hospital grade pump to keep my supply up, and to start feeding Liana with a bottle.

The next few weeks went like this: attempt to feed Liana at the breast, pump, feed Liana with a bottle, sleep, do it again. It was exhausting emotionally and physically. And although Jerry was helpful in feeding Liana with a bottle, there essentially was not much else he could really do.

On my birthday Liana finally nursed. Well, kind of. She sucked and had a really shallow latch, but she was able to get out some milk. I was so excited. But it KILLED. After a day of pain, letting her feed like that and still supplementing some with the bottle, Liana started to again refuse me. I was devastated. I went to the lactation consultant again. She told me I was doing everything right--I just had to keep trying until my baby caught on. She told me it might take months, but that it would be worth it. I went home and had a meltdown. Months?!?? I just didn't think I could do it. It was too much for me to handle. I had this perfect little girl who I loved so much and I wanted to give her the best. But she didn't want it, or me. Jerry suggested that I take a break from trying for a little bit. So I started to only try to nurse a few times a day. And then only once a day. Not being rejected every 2 hours started to lighten my spirits, and I could feel the cloud of despair start to lift. I finally decided that I was going to exclusively pump and bottle-feed. Once I made the decision and decided it was okay, I felt elated. I was so grateful to have modern technology that made expressing milk so easy, and I was still able to give my baby the best. Since pumping became just another part of my daily routine, I was happy to do it. Unfortunately, it wasn't perfect and happy all the time. I was pumping enough milk for twins (and then some) and was frequently having clogged milk ducts.

When Liana hit 6 weeks, I started to try and nurse her again, but only every few days. When she didn't take to my breast, it didn't bother me all. I had a new reality. I was happy to pump. I found that it was pretty convenient.

When Liana hit 10 weeks, I had a slightly mortifying experience. Once when I was pumping, I looked down to see that one of the bottles was full of blood. It totally revolted me. I gagged and dry heaved a little. After a lengthy google search I felt confident that blood in breastmilk is normal.  But still disturbing. I went to pump again and it happened, again. This time it was was in the middle of the night, so my reaction was even worse. I was tired and emotional. After more internet searches that confirmed it was normal I went to sleep with reassurance that I was going to live, but I wasn't quite sure I could get the image out of my head. The next morning when it was time to pump I was scared and shaking. During the course of my hours of internet reading it frequently said that blood was normal, and it probably happens to most mothers, but they aren't aware because the baby just drinks it, and it is fine for the baby. So while Jerry was in the shower, I woke Liana up. I told her I was sorry if she drank any blood. And after weeks of not trying, I put Liana to the culprit breast. And.. she nursed! For real! The funny thing was, I wasn't even surprised or even that happy about her nursing, I was just so relieved that if there was blood, I didn't have to see it (selfish, I know).

So now Liana is just a few days shy of 4 months. She nurses like a pro! Just within the past few days I have been able to get my milk supple under control. Until then, I had still been pumping extra.

Right around the time she started nursing.

Update: Liana is still a very good nurser. In fact, now I am trying to wean her, which feels so bizarre after all the prayers and effort that went into her starting to nurse.

After only a few weeks of nursing, Liana gained around 4 lbs.

Liana's Birth Story Part II

Okay, I have been building suspense for 3 months now, so hopefully the rest of the story does not disappoint.

We arrived at the hospital and I had to fill out a bunch of paper work. I'm assuming if the woman is already in active labor they don't make her do this part when she arrives at the hospital.. because it was a lot! My mom, husband, and I just kind of sat around the lobby for a few minutes. It felt pretty surreal.

In the lobby.

Then I was ushered to my room and given a hospital robe. My mother was there through the whole ordeal, and she took great notes. So I will let her take it from here!

6:15 am – Arrived at the hospital to be induced, per doctor’s orders. Policy is to induce after one week over due.

Got settled.

7:45 am - Started Pitocin

       Danielle's aside: I had never felt a contraction until I arrived at the hospital. The nurse hooked me up to an IV and started a drip. She also put a monitor around my belly to measure contractions. About a minute after I was hooked up I said, "Whoa! I am feeling a contraction!" The nurse said, "I haven't even started the Pitocin... But yes, according to the monitor you did have a slight contraction." So I may have had contractions before, but I just wasn't lying there expecting to feel them.

10:10 am - Broke Water – 3+ dilated, 90% effaced

11:14 am - still 3+ dilated, 90% effaced, -2 station (how low in the pelvis?)

Danielle is very tired and dizzy. Sits on edge of bed or stands and hugs Jerry during contractions. Lots of low pressure. Cries during contractions, but pretty good with her breathing most of the time.

       My contractions were 2 1/2 minutes apart. And I was falling asleep between them from exhaustion.

12:22 pm – 4 cm dilated  90% effaced, -1 station – head has lowered. Tried a few different positions at her mom’s request, and also tried the birthing ball – but no relief from the pain.

12:44 pm - asked for an epidural. Says she is sooooo tired and just wants to be able to rest. Anesthesiologist is in an emergency c section and may not be available for another 15 minutes. Jerry hesitant to sign the papers in spite of Danielle’s pleading, begging with droopy puppy dog eyes. I couldn't believe he was being so tough when she was obviously in so much pain and it could drag on for awhile.  (Found out later he was hesitant because Danielle had previously told him that no matter what she says don’t let her get an epidural! He wanted to uphold her wishes!)

1:15 pm – Received the epidural

1:25 pm  -  Still at 4 cm dilated, 90% effaced. Increasing Pitocin to 20 – the highest dose

Danielle changes sides every hour. Epidural is making her very shaky.

       I was extremely shaky. I decided to get an epidural so I could sleep, but because I was constantly violently shaking, I could not sleep. Also probably around this time my mom and Jerry both got delicious smelling food and ate it in my delivery room, even though I asked them not to! The smell was torture because I was so hungry.

2:27 pm – dilated to 5 cm and 100% effaced

3:44  pm – dilated 5-6 cm and 100% effaced

4:30 pm – dilated to 6 cm and 100% effaced. Reduced Pitocin to 16 to get more time between contractions. No relief from shakes and she was never able to sleep. She remained awake the whole day.

5:55 pm – dilated to 8 cm, 100% effaced and +1 station

7:40 pm – 100% dilated and 100% effaced

7:55 pm  – started to push. She could feel enough to push, but Jerry had to hold up and bend one leg and Danielle’s mom the other during pushing, while Mom counted to 10. Danielle complained the count was too slow and her mom needed to do a more accurate count and not drag it on.

      haha

8:45 pm  – Doctor came in for the first time. She had a temperature of 100.7 so they gave her 2 grams of ampicillin to combat any infection. Baby kept crowning and then would go back up. Thought an episiotomy would help, but he wanted it to be the couple’s decision.

       I think I had a temperature because I was shaking so much and kept on asking for heated blankets.

9:25 pm - doc came in and put stirrups up.

9:38 pm  - Liana Jade Hale was born immediately after an episiotomy was finally agreed upon and done.

                8 lbs 13 oz, 20 ½'' long

She was extremely CONEHEAD and half white and half blue at birth, freaking out both Jerry and Danielle’s mom! But it was so awesome to observe the birth and be a part of this new life!

Thanks, mom!

so happy.

So, my birth experience wasn't quite what I expected or wanted. But I was glad I kept an open mind about the epidural because the Pitocin gave me really hard contractions. I knew it was the right decision when I still took 7 more hours to become fully dilated. I also didn't want an episiotomy(who does?!). The doctor was very understanding and made it clear that it was my choice. My episiotomy ended up being less than a half-inch, so really, it wasn't bad at all, and with my next contraction Liana was out.

Hearing Liana cry for the first time really was magical. I was so moved and excited to meet her. She was a beautiful newborn. She didn't look anything like I expected, but even better and so much like her dad.

Liana's Birth Story Part I

Reading birth stories before I gave birth was so incredibly interesting and exciting. Even the most boring ones helped me understand the process. I literally read hundreds of them. So here goes my experience birthing Liana!

Before I ever was pregnant I didn't have many opinions about childbirth. Despite my mother giving birth to all four of us kids naturally, I thought getting an epidural wouldn't be too big of a deal. But again, I really hadn't put really any thought to it.

The day we found out I was pregnant. The photographer didn't know. :)

A few months into pregnancy I decided that I wanted go to natural. I would think about this tiny baby inside of me who I already loved so much and I thought, "Why would I not want to really experience bringing this baby into the world?" It was a quick and uncomplicated decision, but as soon as I made it, I knew it was right, and I was so excited.

I was really private about my decision. I didn't want praise or disappointment. I didn't care what other people thought. I wasn't doing it for them. This was for me, my baby, and my husband to experience.

I did, however, have two really interesting experiences  with two different labor/delivery nurses who attended my church. Since they were nurses, I felt comfortable telling them my birth plan when they asked me about it. When I told the first my plan she jumped for joy! She was so excited for me. She told me that I was strong and that I wouldn't regret my decision. She told me I could do it. The second nurse scolded me. She had the most serious look on her face and said, "You know, they created the epidural for a reason. You aren't being realistic if you don't get it." I was a little shocked at that conversation. But I was more determined than ever that I would be an active participant in my daughter's birth.

A month before my due date I was showing no progress towards giving birth. I wasn't too surprised by this because my mom was weeks late with all of her babies, except for me, her last, and I came right on my due date. (See mom, I AM perfect.) But then the real kicker came when the doctor told me that if I was a week overdue they would have to induce me. I asked if I could maybe go a little longer to see if the baby would go on her own and the doctor told me that I would become a liability and they would not deliver the baby. I was so sad to hear this. I knew that inducing labor made further medical interventions much more likely.

At 40 weeks, 5 days.

I knew I was going to be induced. I never felt one single contraction. I think I was 3 cm and 70% effaced at my 40 week appointment.

The night before my induction, my mother flew in. I was so happy to have her there. The hospital called and told me that I was scheduled to come in at 5:30 the next morning. I remember trying to go to sleep was so hard. I had been getting really poor sleep for the the last month of my pregnancy and I was starting to retain a lot of water. I remember just feeling so excited to know that withing hours I would meet my daughter. I kept on imagining what her face would look like. I just wanted her to be cute! I told Jerry that if she was ugly and people told me she was cute I would say, "You don't have to lie to me! I can see!"

The morning of my induction came. I ate a fried egg and piece of toast. Jerry gave me a beautiful priesthood blessing. It was so surreal to leave my apartment knowing that the next time I stepped inside, it would be with a baby. My baby. That came out of my body.

...to be continued...

Procrastination

I am giving a talk on Sunday, which I have not prepared.
I have ~15 pages of research papers to write in less than a week.
I have 10 online lessons for a class due in 2 weeks.
My house is a disaster.

So, naturally, I thought I would write a blog update! (after a 10 month hiatus)

I had a baby. Hopefully I will find time to write out my birth story. It's a pretty boring story, but I got the best baby ever out of it!

Really.

I try not to have bragg-y updates on facebook. But I figure if you are reading my blog, then you will love me enough to get through some bragging.

Liana is the best. She was a calm and very aware newborn. She was sleeping through the night (12 glorious hours) by 3 months. And now she is NINE months old! And almost walking! She is the cutest. really. She makes this face when she's happy where she scrunches her nose and bites her tongue between her 4 little teeth.. and it makes your heart melt! She squeals with delight anytime we say "Cock-a-doodle-doo!" Thinking about her just makes my heart hurt; it feels like it is going to burst with love and adorableness and kittens.

Jerry is applying to jobs. He went to DC two weeks ago to visit federal agencies and non-profits. Let's just say he is submitting his resume to a certain federal agency which-will-not-be-named ;). So it was a success. Actually right now he is in the other room writing some essays for a prestigious federal management job program.. but I hear snoring, so maybe not.

I had my final senior voice recital 2 weeks ago. My parents and sister came, which made it extra special. Maybe if I am feeling confident one day, I will put up a recording. I am just so excited to have a lifetime full of singing. People keep asking me, "What will you do now?" And there is just so much I want to do that I have a hard time answering. All I know is that singing will always be a major part of my life. When I'm not making some sort of music I feel useless.

I have been having a full life in the last ten months, I hope you weren't worried about me, Internets! Maybe once I graduate--in 2 weeks-- I will make time to blog. I really do enjoy it. I actually have some posts already written out, I'm just weird and haven't posted them for various reasons.

Okay, back to writing a talk. (For those non-Mormons out there, in the LDS church our Sunday worship services include hymns, sacrament, and short "talks" by various members of the congregation.)

Baby, I love you. But you make me huge.

I don't drive much. Jerry always drives. He prefers it that way, and so do I.

The result of this is that when I do drive, my skills have greatly decreased. This is especially true for parking. My parking skills are really quite embarrassing. I am that girl in the parking lot who re-parks 4 times, during which 4 separate sets of cars think they are going to get my spot until they realize that I am just an idiot.

The other night I was running late to teach a voice lesson on campus. Thankfully the lesson was at 7:00, which is also the time when all the parking becomes public. So I thought it would be no-big-deal for me to try parking in the staff parking in front of the HFAC. Well there must have been some big performance that night because at 6:58 the parking lot was already full with a dozen more cars roaming for spots. I was super upset because I was going to be late for my student. By some miracle I saw someone pulling out of a spot right in front of me! As soon as they left the spot I realized why.. they weren't leaving, they just couldn't fit in the parking space: the cars on either side of the space were both over the lines, making it just barely big enough for a car, but not for openable car doors.

I don't know what confidence came over me, but I decided I would try to fit in the spot. On my first try I was able to get into the spot! I was truly shocked at myself. My car door opened just enough for me to be able to get out, and there was just a few extra inches between my car, my body, and the car to the left of mine for me to be able to squeeze my body through.

I taught my lesson. I practiced this aria.

When I went back to my car the car to left of mine left and had been replaced by another. There were still cars scowering the parking lot. Someone even spotted me walking and followed me to my spot. When I saw my car I was horrified. The car to the left of mine had literally parked 18 inches away from mine. I knew there was little chance that I would be able to fit between the cars, but with the car waiting to take my parking spot, I felt some performance anxiety and decided to just try(since it worked out when I parked a few hours earlier). I was successful in getting my 39-weeks pregnant body between the cars, but once my car door was open, it was physically impossible for me to get in the car.

So I decided I would try going through the passenger's side and climb over to the driver's seat. When I started to walk around the car I could see that there were 3 cars behind the car waiting for my spot. Thankfully, there was plenty of room for me to be able to get into the passenger's side. Once I got in the car, I realized that the "climb" over to the driver's side is not something a person in my condition should ever really attempt. It took pushing and leaning the seat all the way back, and adjusting the steering wheel all the way up to allow for there to be enough room for my huge, inflexible body to get over to the driver's side. By the time I got everything back to normal and pulled out of my spot there were even more cars waiting for me.

I am used to having cars wait on me because of my lack of parking ability, not because of my lack of fitting-into-my-own-car ability.

The L-Word

Before Jerry and I ever liked each other I would drop by his apartment every once in a while. This was because it was my brother's old apartment so I knew some of the guys (namely, Patrick). One day while I was there I happened to mention to the group of boys that, "I will never tell any boy I 'love' him until we are engaged." It was true. I felt so strongly about that word.. love. I didn't just want to toss it around!

Fast forward a couple months. Jerry and I had been dating for about a month. We spent every waking moment possible together. And when we were both at work we would IM each other constantly. So really the only time we spent apart was when we were sleeping. I really liked him. a lot. I was scared. I kept on remembering my creed/goal/standard to never say "I love you." And I wanted to break it sooo bad. But there was a fundamental problem. Jerry was present when I told that group of boys about my feelings about that love word. I had no idea if he was paying attention when it happened, or if he even remembered it. But in my mind I knew that if he remembered and I dropped the l-bomb on him, he would think that I wanted to get married.

We started saying stuff to each other like, "I just think you are really cool." But with all this meaning. It was juvenile. But, for me, it was what I had to do to get by without the l-word.

After a Saturday full of swimming and having fun, we went to Doc's pizza. In a college town full of cheap places to eat with sub-par food, this place takes the cake for the worst food. Of course, to Jerry it meant endless helpings of pizza, cinnamon buns, and rootbeer, so the quality of the food was not important. I was not very impressed, but accepted the fact that Jerry was indeed a bachelor and this place was good to him.

Although the food did not please me, the entertainment did. There were a few other tables of people there. And they were all filled with.. for lack of a better word.. white trash. We had lots of fun people-watching and commenting on odd behaviors. While laughing at one particularly funny observance I made, Jerry said, mid-laugh, "Oh, Danielle, I love you." His tone was very jovial and he said it in a way that you would say to any person you thought was funny.

But my mind raced. I stopped laughing and immediately snapped back, "What did you just say?" (I said it with extra emphasis on the t of 'what')

Jerry stopped laughing. He looked at me and gave me a smirk. "I love you."

My heart stopped. I thought I was going to throw-up. (It's hard to say whether it was from food poisoning or extreme shock) Without saying anything, I ran to the ladies' room.

I remember looking in the mirror. My cheeks were red from spending the whole day in the sun. I wasn't wearing any makeup. My hair was frizzy, wild, and smelled like chlorine. Did he really love me? Or was he just clarifying what he just said? Did he remember that day when I told about my feelings about the l-word? If he did, does that mean he wants to marry me? How many girls had he told this to before? It seemed so easy for him! Maybe it was just because he was simply clarifying what he said...

I splashed some water on my face and tried making my hair look half-way presentable. Whether he loved me or not, Jerry deserved at least not to be seen in public with a crazy girl.. even if it was only by people with less than 12 teeth..

I decided to play it cool when I went and sat back down with Jerry. As if nothing significant had just happened, because for all I knew, Jerry thought that nothing had.

We went back to our apartment complex where there was a group of people organizing a game of Fugitive. Jerry and I went into his apartment and told some friends to come get us when they were actually ready to play. We sat on the apartment couch. All of a sudden it hit me. I had to do it. I had to say it. I might burst if I didn't. I started shaking my legs slightly to get rid of some of the adrenaline that was suddenly pumping through my body. We just sat in silence. I felt like my lungs were being compressed, and that my heart was pumping out of my body. I was so nervous. I finally said, "I want to say something."

"Okay.." he said.

"Um... Jerry... Jeremiah, Iloveyou." And then I puffed out a big gush of air.

He gave a slight chuckle and said, "I love you, too." And then, "Is that why you've been shaking?"

"Yes! You tricked me into saying it! I was so nervous!"

"What? How did I trick you into saying that?"

"At the restaurant, you told me that you loved me! But I couldn't tell if you meant it or not. And I don't want you to think that we have to get married or anything. I just really like you, and I think it is really love, and I thought you deserved to know," I blurted out.

We were then interrupted by Craig opening the door to get us for the game. The game lasted for a while. It was a lot of fun. Jerry and I stuck together. We were both a little nervous about what just happened, but we didn't talk about it. Later that night when Jerry kissed me goodnight he added, "I love you."

I opened my apartment door. I must have looked terrible. My whole perception of what I thought love was was completely upside-down. I was confused. But I was also so happy. My roommate Audrey looked at me and said, "Is there something wrong? Did you and Jerry fight? You were both acting weird during Fugitive."

"No, actually, there is nothing wrong. In fact, it's the opposite. We told each other 'I love you.'"

I think Audrey tried to summon up some excitement for me. But I think she was mostly still weirded out. Every milestone in Jerry and mine's relationship never seemed to impress her. She now claims that she knew we were going to get married.

I have since found out that Jerry did remember me preaching about my philosophy on saying love. He claims that he was confident that he could break me of that. Also, he says that when he told me “I love you”(the second time) in Doc’s that he said it because he meant it, but he also said it out of jest because he knew that I didn’t want to say it. That little punk! I hate him.

Now we tell each other "I love you" at least a few dozen times every day. I think once our kids are old enough they are going to be so embarrassed with our frequent use of the phrase.

Baby Stuff

I am (hopefully)less than 4 weeks away from being a mom! I keep on waiting for the "nesting" to set in that everyone talks about, but it's not. So I have forced myself to make a list of stuff I have and stuff I need.

Stuff I have:
baby clothes
stroller
car seat
diaper pail
bassinet
pack-and-play
breast pump
thermometer
baby carrier
a few blankets
one swaddling velcro/cloth contraption
small boppy pillow

Stuff I don't have, which I need:
diapers/wipes
baby bath(our shower or sink won't work)
baby socks

bottles

pacifiers

sheets for bassinet

changing pad

diaper rash cream

baby medicines (ibuprofen, gas drops)

snot sucker bulb thing

baby soap, shampoo

hand sanitizer

Stuff I will personally need, some of which are a little disturbing:
nursing bra/garments

nursing pads
lanolin cream

thick sanitary pads

diaper bag(I was planning on getting a big purse, but I haven't found one that I like yet)

Okay, so now I need your help. Is there anything that seems superfluous to get? Is there anything that I missed?

On being poor: retraction

Sorry about the last post. It was written in the middle of the night due to pregnancy insomnia, so I wasn't thinking straight. I was trying to go for a funny and sarcastic tone, but I have been informed (by my husband) that my tone did not come across that way.

We are so blessed to have what we have and we are excited about all the opportunities that we've been given. I really have never been happier. So if any of you out there were concerned or worried, please don't be. This is a fun and wonderful adventure in our lives!

On being poor

Jer and I have been married almost three years. When we were first married, we were super poor. We used all of our wedding money on rent, and returned tons of stuff to walmart and used that money for food. Then Jerry graduated and started working full-time. We weren't so poor and we started to pay off loans. Now Jerry is a graduate student and we are having a baby. Let me put it this way-- we have never been this poor. And I am hoping we will never have to be this poor again.

Believe me, I am not asking for sympathy. For some reason I find the whole thing disturbingly funny and interesting. Maybe I am just going crazy? Some people would probably find this whole situation stressful and depressing. But not us! (okay, maybe a little) I think we both know better financial days are ahead.

I mean, really, things can only get better.

Barbra & Liza

One thing you should know about me: I love musicals.

If you don't know this about me.. you are probably a stranger reading my blog.. and that is really cool! (and weird considering I only write in it a few times a year)

I don't pretend to know everything about musicals, but I do know more than most.

So I am really embarrassed to admit something...

I just discovered how amazing Liza Minneli and Barbra Streisand are.

Sad.

True, Cabaret has some shocking twists that I find a little too ''pushy''.. but Liza is thrilling.

True, it is a sin that it took me 22 years to see Funny Girl.. but Barbra was still in it, and she was perfect.

liza singing "maybe this time"

Barbra singing "don't rain on my parade"

Update

I have no idea what direction this post is going to take. So hold on to your seats!

School: I still have one year left. I got into the School of Music 2 years late... and it is a 4 year program which I am doing in 3 years and everyone thinks I'm crazy. I think I'm crazy too. But I love doing what I love every day. Jerry got into the MPA program at BYU! This is a big deal. I could not be prouder of him.

BYU Singers: We went to Chicago in March to sing at the ACDA convention. It was a great experience. We had a lot of free time. I did a lot of shopping and eating. The coolest part of the whole experience was getting stopped in the middle of Chicago and being asked if I was in Singers. We worked really hard on some crazy music and did it justice. Now we are leaving next Tuesday to go on tour to Colorado. It definitely is one of the least exotic places that Singers has toured to, but I'm sure it will still be a rewarding experience. I don't know if I will do Singers again next year (I was in this same dilemma last year too, ha) but if I do they will be going to England or China.

Dreams: Yes I still have crazy dreams all the time. In fact, last week I was sick and was only able to get really light sleep, and woke up every 15 minuets. So I had nights with dozens of crazy dreams.

Church: I have been choir director for almost a year, but I was just released. I was kind of sad to leave because my choir was just getting to be really good! I was finally not very nervous any more, and I was able to get more done in rehearsal and teach the choir how to make a really beautiful sound. This past Sunday we performed 3 pieces for Easter. I felt the Spirit so strongly as I was conducting and could feel it guiding me and the members of the choir. It was an edifying experience that I will never forget.

In addition to being director, Jeremiah and I have been primary teachers for the 5/6 year olds. We grew to love our class from last year, and were sad to see them move up at the year change, but we are learning to love our new class just as much. It is amazing what children can teach us. Our new class has 8 kids. EIGHT. They can be a hyper, busy bunch, but the moments when they really listen are so precious.

Marriage: (I give you permission to skip this paragraph if you are queasy) Jerry and I had our 2 year anniversary a few months ago! It is still weird to me that I am a married woman, but it is even weirder to think that there was a time when I wasn't married. I find something new to love about Jerry almost every day. I have found my life with him so far fulfilling in a way that I could have never imagined before. I feel so blessed that God has put this wonderful man in my life who loves me more than I feel that I deserve.

Future: This summer Jerry and I are both going to work 12 hour days 5 days a week! For 8 of those hours we will be together, which makes it much more bearable. Since Jerry starts grad school in the Fall and he isn't allowed to have a job, we figured we need all the money we can get. We still wont be able to avoid loans (unless we magically earn $50,000 this summer) but we want to avoid debt as much as possible! We are planning on doing a trip this summer, but haven't made any plans yet. If you hear of any cheap flights from SLC to ANYWHERE please share!

Ha! Now I don't owe any of you cookies.

BUSY

Okay peeps, I really want to have a blog. It just seems that being a full time music student and having a part-time job does not easily permit this. In a month and a half I promise that I will start doing posts once a month. If I do not have a new post up by May 18, 2011 then I will owe everyone who asks cookies.

Help?

For the past few months I have had a recurring dream. In my dream I am looking for something in our apartment, or I am cleaning when I find a new room. Sometimes the new room is a complete surprise, and other times it seems like I knew it was there but I was too lazy to see what it was or what was inside of it. The room is always furnished. The furniture is usually pretty old, but always has a lot of character. The furniture isn't really my style, but in my dream I always think that Jerry would really like it (although I don't know if that is completely true in real life). Sometimes I find a whole collection of rooms. Sometimes there are even double chocolate chip cookies left in the room by the landlord.

These dreams are extremely pleasant. I wake up really excited only to really depressed about 10 seconds later when I remember it wasn't real.

Does anyone know what these dreams mean?! And why have I never had them up until a few months ago, and now I have them all the time?

Thanks, Jaden

A dream:

I am a young asian black kid. I am a trained fighter. Basically I am a ninja, stuck in a smaller body. I have spent months in a little canoe with some people I am protecting from The Bad Guys. We are living off of fish I catch with my bare hands or teeth. I also can create storms that make the fish jump into our boat. This is what I have to resort to when I am so weak that I can't do it with my teeth or hands. In addition to the people I am protecting, I am keeping track of a magical sphere that I also have to hide from the people I am protecting. My conscious is growing weaker because it is so straining to remember to protect the people from danger, but also to protect the sphere from danger and from the people. I know my task and I am going to be successful.

I am now myself: Danielle Cenatiempo(not Hale, yet). I have a task and I know I am going to be successful. I have to take a trip to Hell. I don't die, I just need to go there and face the devil. All I have to do to get into Hell is to get past the bouncer at the door. Easy.

Hell is an infinitely long building. It is comprised of rooms of various lengths but all the same narrow width and height. To get into each room you have to enter through the previous room's door. The first room was very long and had tons of people. They were all partying and laughing and seemed happy on the surface, but you could tell they were sad. I wanted to stay and be friends with some of them and help them be truly happy, but I knew I had to get through to the next room. It took me months to get to the other side of the room to get to the door to proceed to the next room. But this didn't upset me. I knew by the time I met the devil, it would be the right time, but I needed to get as far as I could into Hell before I met the devil.

Over the next period of time I proceeded through more rooms. In each room the people just seemed sadder and sadder. Not even trying to cover up their sadness with laughing. And not even trying to suppress their sadness with alcohol. There was also less people in each room, mostly because people were so sad that they forgot that they could even go to another room. In my fourth or fifth room I saw a man who looked like me. He was trying to get to the next room. And he looked happy. We became friends. His name was Jerry. After months of journeying through Hell we discovered that we were on the same mission. We both needed to face the devil. We started to fall in love-- and we got married(well as married as we could get in Hell).

Alas, after years of trekking through Hell we arrived at the last room. We knew it was the last room because there were no people and it was wider and taller than the rest of the rooms. All the rooms up to this point had different themes i.e.: red, school, Moroccan, glitter, my grandma's house, or metal. This room was like a big, old, abandoned warehouse with lots of broken glass and splintering wood(which if you know much about me, know that I am pathetically scared of both-- but that is something for another post). So basically, I guess this really was my personal Hell. Jerry and I knew that we were going to have to face the devil in this room. But we also knew that we had time to prepare. We started to train ourselves to fight and to resist mental penetration (a la Harry Potter). After we felt that we had done everything within our power to prepare for the Devil, we had a visitor. It was a little asain balck kid who seemed wise beyond his years. He gave us a glowing sphere and told us it was the key to defeat the devil. Then he disapered.

The day came for us to fight the fight the devil. She was a woman. We could hear her laughing. When she finally came into sight we were surprised to see that she just looked like an average, middle aged, working woman. I was defeated pretty quickly, but was still very aware. I could hear the devil and Jerry fighting for days. I remembered that Jerry needed the glowing sphere. I tried to enter his mind to remind him of where we had hid it. But instead of entering his mind, I accidentally entered the devil's mind and told her. When Jerry realized the devil knew where the sphere was, it was a race to see who could get to it first. Jerry did.

I woke up.

Artichoke Chicken

Near the beginning of high school, my parents jumped on the high protein and vegetable diet train and I was forced to partake as well(unless I wanted to spend all of my babysitting money on food). They were advocates of the Swarzbein principle. Along with this "principle" came many books, some including some recipes. There was a recipe for "Artichoke Chicken Sauce" which we loved. My mom made it often and recruited me to start making it. I would experiment a little with the flavors and soon enough my mom had dubbed me official Artichoke Chicken Sauce maker(I don't really think it was because it was so spectacular when I made it, I think this was just an evil parenting technique).

I have made the recipe so often that it has kind of warped into a totally new thing. And I just have to share it. It is too good to just keep to myself.

For 4 generous servings:

1 T butter
1 large onion, sliced thinly
1-2 garlic cloves, minced
2 1/2 T Dijon mustard
1 lb chicken breasts
1- 1 1/2 c marinated artichoke hearts
1 roasted red pepper
1/2 c- 1 c evaporated milk or heavy whipping cream(use more if you are using as a sauce, and less if eating plain)
2 t lemon juice or zest
Dash of Cayenne pepper(..or more... ,or omit)
1 T Dried basil
black pepper and salt

1. Coat chicken with 1 T Dijon mustard and black pepper. Set aside to marinate.
2. Roast the red pepper, peel skin off, and cut into 1 inch strips. (If peppers are $1 or more, just buy a jar of roasted red peppers which are by the pickles. It is much cheaper, and a lot less work)
3. On Med heat, melt butter in skillet and add onions, 1/2 t salt, and 1/2 t black pepper. Saute until very tender then add garlic. Cook with garlic for about 3o seconds.
4. Add artichoke hearts along with a few T of the marinating juice they come packed in. Then add 1 1/2 T mustard, cayenne pepper, lemon juice or zest, and basil. Let cook for 3-4 minutes.
5. Grill chicken. Let sit for at least 3 minutes after cooking before cutting.
6. Add evaporated milk to skillet, let cook for about 1 min. Turn off heat and add chicken.
7. Serve over spaghetti or angel hair pasta, or plain!

Notes:
When eating plain: I like to add more onions which act kind of like a substitute pasta. I also don't cut up my artichoke hearts(which usually are already quartered) and chop my chicken into large pieces.
When eating with pasta: I like to cut the artichoke hearts into smaller pieces than packed, and cut the chicken into 1/2 inch cubes.
Evaporated milk/ heavy cream: I have been using evaporated milk for a while now. I like it becuase it is less fattening, I can always have in on hand, and it is usually cheaper. If you want to use cream, you can add it sooner and let it cook longer.
Amounts: These amounts are just estimates, I never measure. I probably use more mustard and black pepper than listed, but I am being conservative in my estimates.

Enjoy!

seeing clearly

Ever since my brother started doing window cleaning I notice windows. Well, I notice dirty windows. It is pretty much a curse. Everywhere I look there is dirt and dust all gettin up in windows' business, and it is gross. I am grateful to go to a university that cleans their windows. I am very ungrateful to live in an apartment complex that has more important things to do than clean their windows, and they don't even do those more important things! And this brings me to another subject. WE ARE MOVING. Two blocks away, that is. But hey! No more crummy management and grumpy neighbors who yell at us and leave notes on our car!